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Monday, April 18, 2011

Love, Kristen--Update

Hello Everyone,

First, I just want to thank all of you for the incredible amount of support that you have given me on my mission. Your letters, your prayers, and the comfort you gave my family while I was in the hospital has helped so much and I am so grateful for all of the wonderful friends that I have in my life.

I am currently home in the United States and decided that I'd like to update everyone on what exactly happened to cause me to decide that I needed to come home, my recovery process thus far, and what my future plans are. So here we go :). I'll try to keep it short, but absolutely no promises :).

The day after I was discharged from the hospital for the second time, I headed back to Kalibo and was blessed to be able to see Brother June's baptism and confirmation.

Monday (P-Day) was a good day too, and I had the opportunity to go bowling with my zone, which was so fun and just what I needed after a long two weeks of hospital stays.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling great and Sister Sablan and I got to work. It was a "panted day" (no one was home) for the most part, but it still felt good to do the work. We did manage to teach Brother June about missionary work as a member of the church. He has desires to share the gospel of course, but is naturally afraid of rejection. His hesitation continued throughout the lesson until at the end I felt inspired to share with him D&C 18:10, 13-18. He read those verses in Tagalog, and afterwards nodded, a light of determination in his eyes. I could tell he was still nervous, but he knew that the Lord would help him. Anyways, that was just a neat experience I thought I would share. We also helped Tatay Joel (Brother June's friend) understand the importance of prayer, and why we pray from the heart to our Heavenly Father and end in the name of Jesus Christ. It was a great lesson. He understood us completely, and I hope Tatay Joel will continue to progress in the gospel.

The next day, Wednesday, I was a little tired, but we still went to work. We visited Nanay Sol and taught her again about prophets and encouraged her to come see General Conference. She wasn't sure she was going to be able to make it because of her arthritis, but at the end I left her with my testimony that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God on the earth today and that if she wanted to see for herself, and listen to him for herself, she could come to the church on Saturday and Sunday and listen to his words for herself. The spirit was strong as I bore my testimony and Tagalog flowed easily from my mouth. I always knew that I was saying what Heavenly Father would have me say if the language just came out easily. I was grateful for that experience and opportunity. Nanay Sol did go to Conference Sunday morning too, the session where the prophet spoke :). See http://lds.org/general-conference?lang=eng

Wednesday night around 6:00 pm, I became extremely tired and Sister Sablan and I decided to go home. Thursday, I made it through about 40 minutes of personal study before I needed to lie down and rest. We went to a doctor in Kalibo later that day for my check-up. The test for parasites came back negative, but I was not impressed at all with the doctor I met with. We talked to Sister Pagaduan later that day, and she and President decided that I should come down to Iloilo the next day to visit with Dr. Patrimonio.

Sister Sablan and I woke up early Friday morning and got on the bus to Iloilo and took the four hour bus ride to the city yet again. We arrived at St. Paul's Hospital at 10:00am. When Dr. Patrimonio arrived, she referred us to the Infectious Disease Doctor, Dr. Divinagracia, who I had met during my second hospital stay. We met with Dr. Divinagracia, who ordered some repeat tests to make sure the parasites were completely gone.

Completely exhausted from my journey, Sister Pagaduan decided that I needed to go to the mission home and rest and that we would do the tests the next day. So that's what we did. Sister Sablan and I ended up staying the night at the mission home as well. Saturday we did the repeat tests, and as we waited for the results, went to the chapel in Arevalo to watch the morning session of Conference. When we came back, the results had come back as normal with no parasites. Yet...why did I still feel so weak? The doctors' answers to this was that I was still recovering and that eventually I would regain my strength. Well, the results were normal and I had no parasites, so I couldn't really argue with them. And I didn't really feel like it anymore.

We went back to the mission home and watched the afternoon session of conference. I was feeling pretty good, and so when President Pagaduan interviewed me that night I told him I was very certain that I could overcome all of my illnesses. I just needed some time to recover, but with the Lord's help I knew I could do it and that I was sure I could quickly return to the work full-time. Although President and the area medical adviser had had a strong feeling before that I needed to go home, when President saw my desire to stay, and felt my desire to stay, he decided to not send me home right then and see what happened.

The next day, Sunday, I woke up not feeling so good. I was very nauseous and had some other bad side effects that I don't want to discuss because they were gross. I managed to watch an hour and a half of the morning session of Conference sitting up in a chair, but then needed to lie down, and stayed in bed until about 3:00pm. I listened to the afternoon session of conference from my room.

It was about this time when I finally had to really face the fact that I may need to go home. Ever since my first hospital stay I knew that it was a possibility, but had resisted the idea. But now, here I was, one week after being discharged, already in the mission home again, and feeling terrible. I began to wonder, with a heavy heart, if it wouldn't be better for me, and for the mission, if I just went home and recovered.

These thoughts made me so sad! While I love my family and friends back home, and of course all of the comforts living in America brings, I did not want to leave my mission! I wanted to finish the work that I'd been called to do, and figured that if I just had more faith and a better attitude, surely God would heal me and I'd be able to go back to the work! After all, I'd received a priesthood blessing two weeks ago telling me that "Through your faith and through your prayers, over time this sickness will be lifted from you, and you'll be able to return to the work." I'd been doing my very best, and yes, I'd been able to go back to the work for two days last week, but was that really it? Surely that couldn't be all! I needed to do better apparently.

I prayed harder and I did my best to smile more and think about the positive things around me, but despite this the sickness did not go away. It was hard, and thoughts and impressions to go home began entering my mind more frequently. When I prayed about going home, I had a calm feeling, but I resisted it, thinking it must be my own selfish desires to go home. President Pagaduan and I talked again and I told him some of the feelings that I'd been having, but that again I did NOT want to go home and that I was certain I'd be fine. He asked if I could go back to Kalibo, and I said no, that travel was not good for me right now. I asked if I could be emergency transferred to Iloilo so as to be closer to my doctors--not that I would be dependent on them, but at least I wouldn't have to travel for my appointments now, and the work wouldn't be put on hold so frequently. He agreed, and began making arrangements for me to be emergency transferred to the city.

Tuesday morning I met with a Pulmonologist, who told me that my lungs were fine, and that the nausea was being caused by the after effects of the amoebas, and that sometimes I would sigh involuntarily to balance out the nausea. Well, that made sense. She gave me some medicine for the nausea, and also an anti-inflammatory inhaler for my lungs to help control my allergies to whatever was in the air. It seemed like I was soon going to be perfectly fine to go back to work.

Later on though, I took the medication for nausea and it helped some, but not much. I also had a sinking feeling whenever I thought about going to work with the sisters in Iloilo. I thought it must just be fear, but it wouldn't go away even after I prayed. After reading through about three Liahona magazines, and studying my scriptures, and the sinking feeling still being there, I finally got on my knees and asked directly if I needed to go home. When I asked this, a had an overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. I knew it was the Holy Ghost confirming to me that I needed to go home, but just to make sure I then asked if I should go work in Iloilo City. Nothing came. It was "a stupor of thought." I didn't want to believe this feeling, and so when President came home I asked him if I could receive a priesthood blessing before I went back to the work, which he agreed. But the thoughts that I needed to go home stayed. Dinner that night was quiet. President seemed in deep thought as well. After dinner, he said that he had spoken to my mom earlier and that she had had a strong feeling that she needed to talk to me. He asked me to please email her, and so I did.

"Hi Mom, President said that you had a strong feeling that you needed to talk to me. I hope you're on right now. Send me a message back if you are. Kristen."

"Hi Kristen, I just need to hear from you that you are much better than you were this weekend or on Sunday. You did not mention the reason for your illness was side-effects from the medication. It seems like you only have a few days between feeling ill. Are you well? Mom."

"I'm still going back and forth. Today I was nauseaus. I thought it was from the car ride to see the Pulmonologist, but it stayed. I took some medicine for nausea, but it's still persisted. Honestly, I'm starting to have some doubts about whether or not I'm supposed to stay on my mission."

"Me too, Kristen. It is not a lack of faith or attitude if you need to come home. I was concerned you might think that after I read your email. No one here will think that at all. Your emails have uplifted many people and they know your faith and desire to serve. You may need to come home to get healthy. I do have a concern they may be missing the diagnosis possibly."

"I'm concerned about that too--that perhaps I need different medical care to get the complete accurate diagnosis. I've thought about needing to go home to get healthy too. Then, after I'm healthy, if I still have desires to serve, I can get back out into the mission field. I know there's even three missions in California that are Tagalog speaking that I could go to. I do have desires to serve the Lord, but I am scared right now to serve in the Philippines with all of the pollution and bad water. I thought I was just paranoid, but really I'm starting to think I'm being realistic. I've done my very best to exercise my faith and have a good attitude, but in the end, the answer still seems to be to go home."

"...The Lord knows your heart. If you are able to stay and be healthy, that will be wonderful. If not, you have served well. Brother June will always remember you. You will most likely have the option to serve in the States. That is not a decision to be made now. I know that whatever you choose, IF you are to come home to heal, will be with prayer and listening to the spirit. I know that because you have always lived your life that way. Your father in Heaven loves you, we love you, and are so proud of you..."

"Thank you. I just talked to Sister Pagaduan. I feel like this is what I need to do. It is hard, because I still have desires to serve and to complete my mission here, but after everything that's happened, all of the thoughts I've had about staying or going home, I finally feel at peace with going home. It's hard because I just think about everything else I could do, but perhaps this is all the Lord wanted me to do.
The decision of whether or not I will serve in the States won't be made right now as you said. It is one that will be made with prayer and listening to the spirit...

Thanks for your support Mom, and everyone else's. One of my biggest fears about coming home early, even for a medical reason, was that people would judge me unfairly. I also worried about my Ensign article--petty thing, but I did. I can talk to the editor I've been working with about it later....

I know that this is what the Lord wants and that He'll guide my way. I know I need to go home to get healthy though. It seems like it won't happen quickly here, and maybe not under the care I need.

Anyways, love you! I'll talk to President. I hate the idea of leaving early (although I will be happy to see all of you again! :)), but I think this is what the Lord wants....Kristen."

"Kristen,I am so glad we were able to 'talk.' No one will judge you as a failure. You have served as well as you possibly could serve. Illness is not failure. You have touched lives both there and here. I have many messages from people for you to read that will encourage you when you get home. A short mission is simply that, a short mission, not an incomplete mission. The Lord only needed you there for a short time. What a blessing you were able to go to Kalibo last weekend to share in Brother June's baptism."

My mom's words comforted me, and I felt that same peaceful feeling that I had felt earlier when I first asked directly if I should go home. I knew it was right. I did not know why, but I knew without a doubt now that I needed to go home, that the Lord had a different plan for me than I had for myself and that I needed to once again, just put my trust in him and that everything would be okay--better than I could make for myself.

Two days later I flew with President and his family to Manila, Philippines (he needed to go there for a mission president conference)and said good-bye to them at the airport. I was then taken in a taxi to the Manila Airport Hotel. I arrived in my room and read some letters that I'd received just before we left for the Iloilo airport. I cried as I read some of them. Although they were full of comfort, I just felt so sad about having to leave my mission and wanted nothing more than to go back. But as this thought entered my mind, to go back, a distinct "No," impression came to mind, followed by peace, and I knew again that I really was supposed to go home.

I wanted to go to the temple. Not to say that I'd been to the Philippines Manila Temple, but because I wanted to feel the peace and comfort that only the temple can bring. I wandered the halls looking for sister missionaries that I could go to the temple with (I couldn't go without a companion) since I knew that this was the hotel missionaries would stay at if their flights weren't until the next day. I found two, but they were getting ready to go to the airport in a few hours to fly home. I returned to my room and asked Heavenly Father to please provide a way for me to go to the temple, telling him I felt I just needed to feel that comfort that was there. To make a long story short (;D), within two hours there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, I saw a Filipina sister missionary with a suitcase and some bags. She started entering the room, and the hotel employee next to her said to me, "Here is your companion for the day!"

Joy filled my soul! Here was the answer to my prayer! And not only that, I had a companion!!! It's so weird to be alone as a missionary, and those few hours I had spent alone were not fun. I looked at my new companion, Sister Marfiga and energetically said:

"Hello!!! Kamusta ka?" (How are you?)

"Mabuti! Kamusta ka?" (Good! How are you?)

"Mabuti na! Meron akong isang tanong para sa iyo." (Good now! I have a question for you.)

"Okay."

"Gusto mo pumunta sa templo?" (Do you want to go to the temple?)

"Oo! Ikaw?" (Yes! You?)

"Oo!" (Yes!)

"Sige. Kailan?" (Okay. When?)

"Ummm...is ngayong too soon?" (...is now too soon?)

"Hindi!" (No!)

"Sige! Ngayong!" (Okay! Now!) I said with a huge smile on my face.

So she and grabbed our temple recommends and some money, called a taxi, and headed to the Manila Temple! What an incredible blessing it was to be there! The grounds are sooo beautiful. Absolutely breath-taking. We spent about an hour just taking pictures...well, I took pictures, and she patiently and happily walked around with me. She loved my enthusiasm.

We then did a session and I felt that peace and joy that I needed. We then went across the street to the Patron House (a place for people to stay who have made long journeys to come to the temple), the Philippines MTC, and the Distribution Center, where I bought tons of stuff for only about $10 American. The stuff probably would have cost me at least $200 had I bought it in the USA :). I met a man who was one of the ones in charge of missionaries and had been involved in the process to send me home early. He saw me at the distribution center, and then later in the MTC cafeteria. He walked up to the people in charge at the cafeteria and told them to let me have as much as I wanted and that the Philippines Iloilo Mission would pay for it. It was so nice of him! :)

After this experience, I was okay with going home. Of course I still wanted to complete my mission, but I no longer felt sadness whenever I thought about it because I had the peace that I needed to know I was making the right decision, and had already begun to experience the blessings that would follow for me making this decision. I began to look forward to just seeing my family again. And of course my friends :).

The next day I woke up and flew from Manila to Tokyo to Seattle to Spokane. I was greeted by my family and some friends, and it was a wonderful homecoming. Thank you to those who came and to those who were not able to, but showed support in other ways, I thank you as well.

Later that night I was honorably released. It was a little painful (emotionally) to take off my missionary tag, but it was okay because I knew that it was the right thing right now.

From this entire experience, I have gained a strong testimony of not only the truthfulness of the gospel, but also of the Lord's love for us. He knows each and every single one of us individually and personally. He knows our needs, our struggles, our challenges. He knows our strengths and He knows our weaknesses. He loves us so much and only desires our happiness. Sometimes to be happy, we need to progress and overcome our weaknesses and so He will let us go through trials. It pains him when we are in pain or sad or scared or feeling anything negative, and therefore he will always give us the help we need exactly when we need it. But He will let us go through it because He knows that in the end it is what is best for us and that our weakness will become our strength and that we will learn and grow. He will never give us more than we can bear though. He knows us, He loves us, and because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He knows exactly how to succor us.

The words of the hymn, "How Firm a Foundation," comforted me a lot during my last week in the Philippines, and towards the end of my time there, the words, "As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be," helped me the most. I know that Heavenly Father will always be there for me, that He knows and cares about me personally, and that He will never give me more than I can bear. I am grateful to Him for the chance I had to serve a mission in the Philippines and am grateful to Him for trusting me enough to give me this trial to begin with. And I am grateful to Him for continuing to lead and guide my path to help me know I needed to go home, and I know that He will continue to guide my path and let me know when the time comes what He needs me to do next.

As far as my health goes, I am getting better. I have still had symptoms of amebiasis since I got home, and was retested for parasites again today. The test results will come back in 1-3 days, and of course, I'll let everyone know the results when they come. There is a chance they're still there, and there is a chance that they're now gone. I had two parasites: Entaamoeba histolytica (histo= tissue; lytica= cutter) and Entaamoeba coli (coli= has to do with the shape of the amoeba or where it lives--the colon). Basically though, the amoeba's were living in me for 8+ weeks before they were finally detected and had moved into the adult stage. They were getting ready to move to other parts of the body besides my intestines when they were detected and killed with medicine. We're quadruple checking right now that they were ALL killed though. If so, then the pains I still feel in my abdomen every once in awhile could just be from the fact that my intestines have been beaten up ("tissue cutter" doesn't sound too good) and are trying to build themselves back up. I feel pain most after I eat, which makes sense since they're still having to perform their normal functions while trying to recover.

Anyways, I'll have answers soon, but am recovering much better at home than I was in the field. It was hard to recover in the field because as soon as I was having a "good day" or starting to feel better, I was expected to work, and in fact I wanted to work because I was BORED at home! However, that just destroyed whatever progress my body had made and I would go back to feeling very sick again.

As far as my plans to go back out to the field and complete the 12 months I still have left, it's definitely something that I am considering and would like to do. As far as when and where goes, I can't say yet. My first priority is to get healthy again, and then after I'm healthy I'll make the decision through prayer and listening to the spirit about whether or not I should go back out. My desires are still there and I hope I can go back out, but I will just wait and see for now. There's a lot to think about too with my sister's wedding being in August, and of course I would like to be here for that. So perhaps I'll leave again after the wedding. We will just have to see what the Lord wants. His timing is always best.

Thank you again for all of the prayers and support. I love you all and LOVED hearing from you when I was out in the field. Sorry I couldn't always reply, but know that your letters always put a smile on my face, and I could feel the support of your prayers. Thank you so much again.

Love,
Kristen

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